The Free Will Machine

 

Kayla: [sobbing]

Layla: Kayla! What's wrong?

Kayla: I have no free will!

Layla: You have no what?

Kayla: Free will!  You know, I have no control over my own actions!  I'm just going to do what I'm determined to do, and there's nothing I can do about it!

Layla: Lucky you!  I have the opposite problem.  No matter how determined I am to do something, it seems I can never do it.

Kayla: Stop joking!  This is serious.

Layla: Okay. So... what's the problem, again?  What can't you do?

Kayla: Anything!  

Layla: Can you jump?

Kayla: Yes, I can jump.

Layla: Can you swim?

Kayla: Yes, I can swim.

Layla: Can you clap?  

Kayla: Yes, I can clap.

Layla: So what can't you do?

Kayla:Anything other than what I actually do!

Layla: Hm.  So, if I sold you a blob of magical silly putty, with the promise that you can shape it into anything and it will work, so if you shape it into a plane, it will actually fly, and if you shape it into a tv, it will pick up stations, and so on - would you come back the next day demanding your money back?

Kayla: Why?

Layla: Because I had told you that the silly putty can be anything, which is true, but your complaint would be that the silly putty cannot be anything other than what it, in fact, is.  Which is also true.  Because things cannot be what they are not.

Kayla: You're joking again.

Layla: I'm only partly joking this time.  But what can't you do?

Kayla: I told you!  I'm completely determined!  I'm like a machine!  I can only do what I'm programmed to do!

Layla: Okay, but be specific.  Give me one example of a thing you can't do.

Kayla: Well... [sniff] Like, even when I say this sentence, for example - I can't say any words other than the words I am, in fact, saying.

Layla: Well, but you could say different words. 

Kayla: But I don't! It's like a song... like this song that's playing, right now.  

Layla: Oh yeah, what are we listening to?

Kayla: "It's Now or Never" by Elvis.  

Layla: Yeah - when I walked up here, the same song was playing.

Kayla: Yes.  It's my favorite song.  When I get depressed, I just listen to it over and over and over.  I've probably listened to it 30 times today, or more.

Layla: O...kay.

Kayla: I know!  It's weird!  It's a weird thing to do!  But I can't help it!  I'm like a machine!  I'm pre-programmed to act this way!  There's nothing I can do about it.  

Layla: Uh huh.

Kayla: So - this song is prerecorded.  Every time you play it, it will play out exactly the same way.  Every note, every beat.  Exactly the same.  That's like my life.  It's all predetermined.  Every stupid choice I make - I can't do anything else.  Just like, Elvis will always sing: "It's now or never / Come hold me tight / Kiss me, my darling / Be mine, tonight." [sobs]

Layla: You know, it's funny that so many people these days are convinced that we have no free will - just at the time that technology has developed to the point when more and more things are possible.  Just at the point we can do anything, we've convinced ourselves we can't do anything.

Kayla: Yes, well - [sobs] the progress of science... [sobs] has shown us... [sobs] the truth... [sobs] which is that we have no free will! [sobs very hard]

Layla: Yes, but I mean - look.  I can get AI to produce another version of this song.  Listen!  Now Elvis sings: "It's now or never / Give me a shoe / Stick it to my face / With extra glue."

Kayla: Yes, but that's not real!  The song still goes the way it goes.  You didn't change the original song.  You just made a different song. But then again, you were always going to make that song.  It was determined by forces beyond your control.  Don't you see?  Our lives are like a game of Candyland.  Before we take our first turn, the whole thing's already decided.  The whole journey's there, in the stack of cards.  Once the game starts, there's no randomness, and no choice.  Who wins, who loses, how long the game lasts: Everything is predetermined.  

Layla: Fair enough.  Well, you're in luck.

Kayla: What do you mean?

Layla: It just so happens, I've come up with a new invention, and you can be the proud owner of a brand new model, straight off the assembly room floor.  Yes, you can be my very first customer!

Kayla: What are you talking about?

Layla: Kayla, get ready for a life-changing product.  Here it is: I'm proud to unveil - the world's first free will machine!

Kayla: What's a free will machine?

Layla: Just what it says - it's a machine that gives you free will!

Kayla: But how?  How could a machine give me free will?  Here, I thought we were trying to give machines free will, but it turns out the machines are going to give us free will.

Layla: Well, you see, here it is.  It's very handy.  It just sits right here on the table.

Kayla: It's huge!  And very heavy.

Layla: Yes, well, this is just the model mark 1.  Hopefully we can miniaturize them as new models come out.  You know, the first cell phones were pretty big....

Kayla: Yes, but what's in here?  It weighs a ton....

Layla: Don't open that! It's very dangerous.

Kayla: Dangerous?

Layla: Yes, it contains radioactive material.

Kayla: Radioactive material?

Layla: Don't worry.  There's lead walls to protect us.  But yes, there's a chip of Uranium-238 in there.

Kayla: What?  Nuclear material?  Is that even legal?  Is this a bomb?  Are you a terrorist?

Layla: No, no, no.  It's not a bomb.  Like I said, it's a free will machine. 

Kayla: So how does it work?

Layla: Well, deep inside there, as I said, is a very small piece of radioactive material.  And in front of that is an extremely sensitive geiger counter.  So sensitive, in fact, that if the Uranium chip radiates just one single alpha particle, it will make the geiger counter click, which will in turn close this circuit, which leads to this display, which can be toggled to either "yes" or "no".  There- you see?  The display flips back and forth between "yes" or "no," every few seconds, but at extremely irregular intervals....

Kayla: Oooo-kay.  But how does this give me free will?

Layla: Simple!  You just think of a question - think of some decision you have to make, and then open the window, and look at the display, which will say either "yes" or "no," and tell you what to do.  And then you HAVE to do whatever it says.

Kayla: So... it's a magic eight ball. 

Layla: No, no, no.  A magic eight ball works deterministically.  If you know the physics of the magic eight ball, you can predict which side of the die is going to float up to the surface.  Just like, if a physicist knows exactly how fast a coin is rotating, and knows how much force is propelling it through it's parabola through the air, and exactly where the other hand is, and what side it started on, then the physicist can predict, with precision, whether it will land "heads" or "tails"

Kayla: Uh huh.  I'll take your word for it.

Layla: But, you see, my free will machine is based on quantum interactions.  So whether it says "yes" or "no" is truly non-deterministic.  

Kayla: So what's your point?

Layla: So, every other decision you make in your life has been predetermined, yes.  But a decision you make with my free will machine is truly non-deterministic.  The rest of your life, yes, you've been playing Candyland.  But now you're really rolling the dice.

Kayla: So a magic eight ball with extra steps, then.

Layla: Extra important steps.

Kayla: But... okay. Fine.  The decisions I make using your free will machine will be non-deterministic, great.  But they won't really be my decisions.  The machine is making them for me.

Layla: I've been thinking about that.  Here's what I'm hoping.  So, I'm starting my own tech startup here... my goal is, each generation of the free will machine will get smaller and smaller.  Yeah right now it's pretty big, and pretty heavy.  It's also extremely dangerous and toxic and probably illegal.  But as I get better at this, I think I can find some safer quantum reactions... maybe involving quartz?  Eventually I'll get this baby down to a pocket-size edition, and then maybe one that can fit in a wristwatch....

Kayla: Uh huh....

Layla: And then I'll get it smaller and smaller and smaller, and eventually I'll manufacture a microscopic version.  One that can be injected straight into your brain.

Kayla: My brain?!

Layla: Yes.  And then we'll make lots of them, and we'll attach them to several neurons in your brain - maybe eventually we'll have one of these babies for each neuron in every brain in every person in the world.  And they'll fire in a truly non-deterministic way, causing your neurons to fire in a non-deterministic way, really randomly, and then you'll really have some really free, free will.

[improvise the rest of this dialogue]