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Greek myths: There are a bunch of gods, but they’re all kind of jerks.

Norse myths: There are a bunch of gods, and they’re really big jerks, and then they all murder each other and then they’re dead, the end.

Egyptian myths: There are a bunch of gods and they’re real weirdos and along with being gods they do magic, which is just excessive, and sometimes one god turns into another god which is really weird and they’re all just turning into each other and chopping each other up into little pieces and feeding the pieces to fish and then putting them back together and no one knows what it means.

Zoroastrianism: There are a bunch of gods that are jerks, but then there are other gods that are nice, I guess, but primarily their niceness is that they just fight against the jerks constantly in a big war and then they win the end.

Mahabharata: Kinda the same as Zoroastrianism except now the good guys are the bad guys, our side is the nice guys, your side is the jerks, everyone has slightly different names, and again there’s a war, but we win, so there. And then the nice guy gods decide to stop being warlike and become all holier-than-thou.

Bhagavad-Gita: So in the middle of the above war one of the gods is like maybe I should stop being a jerk and killing all these other gods who are also my cousins. And then this other god who is a really special god is like No! Don’t stop! Because everything is transitory and if you saw my true form it would really freak you out, so do it. Kill your cousins.

Rg Veda: So there’s this god Durga and she killed a whole bunch.

Ramayana: Yeah he killed some folks too.

Gilgamesh: Yep him too. But also he was sad.

Biblical Judaism: There’s a god and he’s a really big jerk but he’s the only one we’ve got.

Talmudic Judaism: Okay but if you get to know him, there’s another side to his personality and he’s almost nice.

Kabbalah: Actually there are ten sides to his personality. And they range from nice to jerk to completely inscrutable and confusing. Mostly that.

Christianity: There’s a god and he’s kind of a jerk but he had a son who was nice but you killed him.

[first posted to facebook, August 3rd, 2018]

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